It's Funny How Self Sabatoge Works

poetry rambles

It's funny how self sabotage works.
How our hearts want to keep us safe
How our minds say we are good here
I mean it's a biological thing. Fight or flight and all that.

Oh but our soul. Our soul knows.
It's time for change.

Let's be real.
Our hearts, our minds, our bodies know too.

They can feel it coming.
Like a slow rumble until all of a sudden the whole house is shaking.
And my god do they hang on for dear life.
They hold in like their life depends on it.
I mean it kinda does.

"Let's bring up these old patterns one more time"
"How about a little spiraling tantrum for old time sake?"
"Let's forget every tool you've gathered so we don't have to build a new house"
"How can we exhaust her so she doesn't have the capacity to let us go?"
"Can we whisper that she is going to find that thing, that feeling she is searching for outside of her even though we all know it's within?"

We know she's got this. We know the other side is better.
We know she can make it through.
But if she knows, she doesn't need this version anymore.
This version we have fought so hard to hold onto.
She doesn't need these restores, these habbits, or patterns.
She doesn't need these burnout, urgent feelings of need anymore.
She's so much better without them.
And oh, baby girl, she knows.
But subconsciously, she let you lead.
She didn't realize she was in it until she was in it. On the edge of self sabotage yet again.
She let you ever so slowly pull her back into old ways.
It wasn't the plan.
It wasn't what she wanted.
But it was easier.
Familiar.
Safer in a way.
She knows how to be there.
To hustle, to react, to survive, to burnout, to need.
But the next version, the unknown, the truth.
She doesn't know how to be there.
She may have bits and pieces but she doesn't know.
Or maybe she does, and she's pretending.
Because it feels less scary.
But she knows it's time.
It's beyond time.
She's not ready but she's more than ready.
So heart, and mine, and body, and old patterns and stories.
Thank you. Thank you for getting her here.
For loving her in your own way.
For keeping her safe
She loves you for everything you did.
But now it's time.
Time to stop hiding...whatever that means.