I don't know what I want

Or maybe I do?

Growing up, I was led to get good grades, follow the rules, go to college, get a job, etc. It’s what most people are taught right? Follow the traditional path. And I did. Until my junior year of college.

I had this light bulb moment that I can still picture today. I was sitting in my apartment and a friend of mine was talking about graduation. She was thinking about moving to one of the Carolinas. I was curious.

“Do you have a job lined up? She said, no.”

“Do you have family there? She said, no.”

“Why would you move? She said because I want to.”

LIGHT BULB.

I could do whatever I wanted with my life. I didn’t have to follow the rules or the path or traditions. I could choose.

So I did. I had already started a business at 19. Senior year I realized that I didn’t want to have to wait til I was 65 and retired to live the life I wanted to live. I wanted to live it now.

I graduated from college and threw myself into girlboss mode. Attempting to build that specific legacy that I saw the possibilities in.

Courtesy of Lo Opris Photography

I spent 9 years succeeding and failing. Self-sabotaging and hustling. Living a life of freedom and stressing myself the hell out. Going all in and burning myself all out.

That’s a long fucking time not to get it.

I don’t know that I would do it any differently though.

It brought me here.

I spent the first 20 years of my life being taught, led, and working towards one type of life. I spent another almost decade working towards a different kind of life.

And now I’m here. Maybe it’s a fork in the road? Or more like where my two roads meet and combine into one. Except I’m not quite sure what that road looks like.

And by that, I mean, I’m not sure what I want anymore.

There are pieces of the traditional lifestyle I like.

There are pieces of the hustle lifestyle I like.

But where do those two meet?

What does it look like when they collide and I add my own color, shapes, and texture to it all?

If you ask me what I want to do right now, all I feel is I want to create.

I want to make art. I want to write, cook, draw, speak, sew, and paint. I want to play. I want to adventure and travel and camp. I want to deepen my relationship with myself and my inner circle.

I want to make new connections with other like-minded weirdos.

I want to be curious.

I can do all of those things.

But how does that translate into my values?

How does that translate into creating my life?

How does that translate into paying for my life?

How does that translate into what I can offer people?

How does that translate into how I can help?

What are the next steps?

I can feel some combination of my heart, soul, and mind rolling together like a kaleidoscope to figure it out. You can add in a healthy dose of the universe too.

I know where I’ve been. I know some of what I want in the future.

This middle though. Oooh boy, it is weird.