Nonsense is the Key

What if the thing I'm creating is simply my life?

I’m a summer girl. Through and through. I thrive running around in a bathing suit all day with sweat and salt coating my skin. When the sun makes me feel like my skin needs a cool drink of water. It has always been my favorite, my happy zone.

And here I am, on the porch of a cutie little cabin at a campground in Northeast New York. It’s a Wednesday at 1pm. I’m wearing a bikini top and shorts. It’s like 80some degrees with a light breeze and sunny. Not humid at all. It’s honestly perfect.

I’ve got my laptop out and I’m working. Some would say that sounds like a drag. You’re in this beautiful spot and you’re working. Ugh.

The view

Sure, it would be great, to spend the whole day in the river that’s about 200 yards away.

But the thing is, I could be all cooped up inside an office working right now.

The fact that I get to work outside in a bathing suit is such a blessing and a privilege I’m well aware of.

I can remember on more than one occasion where I’ve dreamed of the idea of getting to spend my days running around in a bathing suit or a sundress feeling the sun soak into my soul as my whole life. Not just a vacation or a random good day. MY WHOLE LIFE.

As I’ve grown, while my love for summer hasn’t changed, I’ve learned to love experiencing all the seasons. Summer should still be the longest.

I kind of did it though. Not exactly the way I thought it would be. At least not yet.

But I really do get to spend 90% of my days outside. Living and working, working and living.

It’s an interesting thing though. I feel like when we think about our dreams, we don’t always think about every facet of them.

or maybe you do. I don’t think I have.

Maybe some part of it is that it’s all changed and evolved as I’ve grown, and yet maybe it’s always been the same.

The freedom to live the life I choose to live and create with the people that I love.

That seems to be the underlying thread. A thread that ran through my brain when I had that lightbulb moment my junior year of college of “Ohhhhh, I can do whatever I want with my life.”

As I’ve spiraled upwards over the last 14 years, I can’t say I thought I would end up here, but I know without a doubt that here is where I’m supposed to be.

It’s a weird place to be. Not bad weird. Good weird. But messy. Unknown. A little oozy.

I’m an artist and a creator.

I’m a writer and a poet. I like painting, drawing, and cooking. I’m learning about homesteading. I’d like to get better at those.

I am cobuilding an outdoorsy brand, podcast, and community. I help host and plan events.

I’m building my own brand as an artist.

I want to inspire other people to follow their curiosities and really live their lives while ideally getting outside as much as possible.

I want to stumble through every facet of being alive and squeeze every ounce of juice out of it.

I want to unearth and bring light to every single inch, crevice, and pore of myself.

I want to fund my life so I can create more art, follow more ideas, and help people do the same.

And yet I’m not quite sure where they all meet.

Do I want to be an outdoor creator or an artist who creates outdoors?

Do I want to apply to opportunities that open doors or do I want to create my own doors?

I lean towards the latter on both, but then do I have to only do both? Does one fund the other?

Is it two sides of the same thing?

Finding opportunities that pay me to travel or be outside could allow me to travel and be outside like I want to while I work on the things I want to create.

But then some days I just want to travel and explore while I create whatever I want to create. Or do the same in my own backyard.

I want to sit outside at a cabin or in a hammock while I write my book without having to think about creating anything else but whatever I want.

Does it make sense to spend time creating for others or if I pour all that time and energy into creating something for myself, does that create the life I desire?

And when I try to create something to be a specific thing it often feels weird, but when I just show up and share my life and my thoughts and my chaotic weirdo self it seems to work better.

So why do I try to make anything be anything and let it just be what it is?

What if the only thing I’m creating is my life. The only thing , right? That’s a big fucking deal.

I consistently feel like when I try to create FOR others, it feels sticky. Like syrup all over my hands, sticky.

When I just focus on creating for me, creating what feels fun, creating my own life and then simply sharing it. It’s like I inserted the magic key and every single gear shifted into place. The secret door opens up like Abracadabra!

I feel like I make it so hard on myself because I love collaborating with people. I love creating with people. I love helping people. I want to have an impact on people, but maybe my version of that is creating for ME and the byproduct of that is then other people are inspired to follow their own curiosities and desires and juicy aliveness.

And why haven’t I figured this out yet? Like I know this about myself. I know when I show up this way it feels like everything FLOWS. But I keep finding myself in the same pattern.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t figured out how I fully fund my life that way. Maybe that’s because I don’t let myself show up in the way that feels good long enough for it to work.

Maybe it’s because I subconsciously don’t believe it’s going to work. Maybe some other bullshit that someone on the internet told me about why it’s not working for me.

What if I stop subscribing to those rules? What if I simply decide that everything I do works for me. Every move I make is right for me. I get paid to be myself.

Maybe I need to stop making it so hard and just let it be easy.

I thought this was going to provide more answers. Be more of a thought provoking essay. It mostly feels like the rambling nonsense of my brain. Maybe that’s what it needed to be.

When shoulds and doubt sink in, when I try to form something into a box or shape, it’s like all the possibilities are pulled back immediately. Like a rubber band or bungee cord that snaps back. and breaks.

Maybe the door is my life, and my nonsense is the key. When I let myself be it feels like I’m floating. It feels like I can do 10 things at once. It feels like possibility and opportunity and expansion and sunshine.

I prefer to follow the sunshine. ☀️