I had Chat GPT come up with titles for this post, and they all sound ridiculously cookie cutter, and I can't handle it. So this is titled, "I hold back."

Working on my "give less fucks" era.

I hold back.

It’s what I do.

Or historically have done.

And still tend to do. 🫣

From a young age, I was taught to hold back.

To keep my emotions in check. Not dealt with or expressed. Keep them “in.”

Unless it was happy. But even then, I think I internalized the idea of “not too happy.”

Also known as don’t be “too much.”

Between bullies, conditional friendships, expectations, and likely a bunch of other random experiences that my sensitive self internalized, I started holding back.

Making myself small. Smaller to not start arguments. Smaller to maintain friendships. Smaller to be liked, to get by, to live just enough.

At some point, I don’t think I knew I was doing it. It just became a way of life.

College helped. I still did many of the same things, but I started venturing outside the lines.

Hell even going away to college was big for me. I don’t know if the shyness came first or if holding back led me to be shy, but when I chose college, I knew I needed to step out of my comfort zone. I went three hours away, which may not be a big deal to most, but it was for me.

Slowly, through college experiences, and decisions to be made, I stepped out of my comfort zone. I made choices to do things that were “out of the box.” Yet I still played small in those realms. That’s followed me up until now.

“Taking dumb selfies in the backseat on the way to DG” July 2024

It’s funny, I just said to a new friend, “I tend to hold myself back.” He goes “ This is also the person who traveled out west to visit a friend and stayed for nine months, who traveled to Africa, met a stranger for a Pittsburgh Pirates game, loves to dance at concerts, and is planning another trip overseas.”

I laughed. “I know,” I said, “I don't make any sense.”

I’m super proud of myself for all those decisions, and all the ways I have pushed myself. While I have made mistakes along the way, every decision to step out of my comfort zone or do something unconventional has paid off.

And yet, even within those decisions, those moments, I often keep it small. Similarly, when I get too close to outside the box I have created for myself, or too close to “success,” I often pull back. I self-sabotage. I get scared.

And y’all. I’ve done it again.

And again.

And again.

For fucking years.

To say I am tired of it is the understatement of the century.

There are the typical ways that I’m sick of it. Like my health. My fitness. My career.

But the way that it’s finally got ahold of me. The way that I feel the rage building. The way that I feel parts of me busting through this goddamn cage I have put myself in is my expression, my trust in myself, and getting out of my motherfucking head and into my body.

Sorry, not sorry, for swearing. I’m feeling it.

In a way, it feels like I’m dying. I think a part of me is.

The parts that hold back what I want to say. Or the emotions I’m feeling. Even from myself. The parts that hold back the weird thoughts or keep myself from going all in on the big ideas. In my expression. In my work. In my art. In my relationships. In how I move. In how I touch. In my body. I hold back. And god, I cannot take it anymore. It physically hurts.

But this whole month, I can feel things shifting. Life is shifting. My relationships are shifting.

In a good way. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hella uncomfortable. It hurts. I’ve had several hard conversations. I’ve had to tap into major courage. I’ve cried. I’ve punched and screamed into my pillow a few times. I’ve danced it out.

But it feels like I’m tapping into something bigger. There are these teeny tiny moments, where I am moving differently, making different decisions, being direct, and speaking up in a new way. They are leading to something.

Because the truth is, I cannot hold back any longer. It’s painful.

Cue the drama, but I don’t think I’ll make it if I do.

I’m not sure I know how to operate without holding back. What does that even look like?

But it’s time to try.