I’m sitting in my bed, eating the rest of a bag of no sugar-added dark chocolate chips. When I walked downstairs 4 minutes ago, to grab said bag, I was avoiding. I was procrastinating. I’m still procrastinating. Praying to these chocolate chips! “Give me the fuel I need to write, to create the things I’ve been putting off.”
They’re not. Stupid chocolate chips.
I feel like I’m at the point in this substack journey where I’m feeling the resistance. I’m procrastinating. I’m putting off the actual writing. I’m not prioritizing. I’m not sharing.
I HAVE THIS WHOLE BIG IDEA OF WHAT I WANT TO DO AND I’M NOT DOING IT.
I’ve been here since March. I have 18 posts. 169 subscribers. This cool community of substack friends is slowly starting to form.
I’m at the point where every time I share a post it consistently gets at least 5 likes.
I know, I know. 5 likes. BUT compared to the beginning when the crickets were hearing crickets, it’s a big freaking deal!
I love it here. I love writing here. I love slowly learning what feels good when it comes to how I show up, and how I express myself. I love when I finish writing something and I’m like, yeah, that’s me. I love seeing the slow growth not only for myself but for other people.
Some of my favorite notes are the ones where the newbies hit their first subscriber, their first post, or get their first like. It makes my heart soar.
People are slowly starting to find my words through substack. People are resonating with my words!
I’m having cool conversations on my words as well as so many others.
I am inspired daily.
I wake up and cannot wait to check to see how many times my Substack bestie,
and I can go back and forth on notes.To see what perspectives can shift.
To see how I can cheer on other people.
To see whose words I can share.
I. LOVE. IT.
It’s like someone is whispering “You’re on the right path” in my ear.
Little bits of success are being sprinkled onto my ice cream like crumbled-up oreos on a sundae.
Honestly, it feels like for the first time in my life this isn’t just a path to the path. This is right. The projects in my life are right. The ideas are exciting and fun. I want to throw my whole heart and soul into them.
I can feel the truth, the heart, the excitement, the possibilities, and the success light up my whole damn body.
Which brings me right back here.
Wednesday night. 8:15pm. Eating chocolate chips. In my bed.
Cue the self-sabotage.
Hellloo resistance.
I’m scared.
If I show up on notes, it’s safe.
If I post when the inspiration strikes, it’ll grow. Slowly.
That’s enough. It’s enough. It’s fine.
But it’s not.
I’ve done that “just enough” thing too many times.
I’m kind of fucking over it.
This right here is real. This is me. This is magic.
And it scares the ever loving shit out of me.
What does it look like to lean all the way in?
What happens when you go all in on yourself? Your passions? Your curiosities?
What happens when it works!?
What does life look like when you stop hiding?
I’m pretty sure I’m asking myself these questions, but you’re welcome to chime in.
This was not the plan for tonight
But maybe writing about this is exactly what I needed.
Maybe writing about this is leaning into the resistance just a little bit.
Maybe writing about it is telling the self sabotage to fuck off. At least for tonight.
I don’t know what the answers are yet.
The other day
pointed out to me that we get to take the tiniest of steps. And it doesn’t even have to be in order!This feels like a tiny step. And after this I might take another one.
And then another one.
Until maybe I completely forget what self sabotage even is.
I rarely add this, but I would love to hear about your experience with self sabotage and resistance!
I love this post with all my heart. Also I bought birthday cake Oreos this week, so I feel like we’re in the same energy haha, except I was able to get some writing out this week thankfully. There’s definitely resistance in the air. I think it will settle as the snow comes.
I’m going to come back and write even more comments on this post because I LOVE IT SO MUCH
and thank you with all my heart for mentioning me. I absolutely love seeing all our interactions when I wake up or before I go to bed. It’s so wholesome. Thank you Carla for being my Substack bestie!
I’ve been writing for so long that I forgot how beautiful the beginning is, and how every step forward feels like an absolute miracle. How exciting it is to finally feel into the groove of your true path. Sometimes I get frustrated with all that I want to be, but not yet am, and this is such a beautiful reminder that every step forward is a miracle. Every blog published, every word written, every fear overcome. PS - I fully ate way too many chocolate covered strawberries at my desk today. It’s necessary sometimes!